Excerpt from my Book: My Descent In Hell and Flight To Heaven: paragraph excerpts from pages 244 to 245’.

Getting my strength back to walk was a step-by-step process. The time came when I was ready to walk out of the two-bed ward I had requested to be moved into from a solitary ward. I was very excited and was so grateful I had legs and I could walk. I realized how blessed I truly was. I could have been brain-damaged. So many people had said it, but it only seemed to truly hit home then. God had not only given me my life back; He had given me a better and more abundant life. I would never cease being grateful for the small things, as well as the big things, in life.

Nurse Helen wanted to escort me on my first walk to the full-length mirror. I still was not sure why I had to do that, but I knew it was important as it was Dr. Johannes’s orders.

The walk down the hall was the most fulfilling and joyous walk I had ever had. The other patients in the larger ward seemed surprised to see me walking, but I was just enjoying my ability to walk.

Then I stood in front of the mirror. I gasped and asked, “Who is that?” With her hand on my shoulder, my nurse whispered, “That is you, my dear.”

I stared at the young, yet old woman in the mirror. I saw two bony skeletal hands attached to twig-like arms that reached up and touched an equally bony bulging-eyed head. As I saw the bony hands touch the oversized head, I felt my hands touch my face. It truly was me! I stepped back and burst out crying out of sheer shock, horror, and shame. For the first time, I saw what I had been doing to myself all those years.

I had always seen a big, fat pig in the mirror. Now I could see myself as I really was. I wondered how I had never been able to see the skeleton figure before.

I suddenly remembered the pale, thin, frail, and sad-looking reception lady from the hotel where I had that Christmas Eve experience. She had survived Auschwitz, one of Hitler’s concentration camps.

I was sobbing as I said, “Oh God, my Abba Father, I am so sorry.”

I looked at my nurse and said, “I’ve put myself in my own concentration camp all these years. I’ve destroyed my body and my soul! What have I done?”

Nurse Helen held me and then escorted me back to my bed where I was grateful to be alone.

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The excerpt from my book above explains the first time I was able to leave my hospital room to go walk down the passage as per instruction from my doctor. This part of my story, of standing in front of that mirror in the hospital hall, immediately created a massive soul-shift, a renewal of my mind bringing a mighty transformation of life-changing revelation that I still stand and walk-in, for over 30 years now.

As I looked in the hospital hall mirror, I saw a malnourished starving person, clearly suffering from severe anorexia. As I connected what the starving skeletal reflection was doing, to myself doing the exact same actions at the exact same time, the truth came cascading down, like lightning running right through my soul. That reflection was, yes it was me. I was not only shocked but pained to see what I had become. I was a malnourished starving severe anorexic person crying out for help. This truth brought the absolute realization that the person I saw in the mirror was me.

I had not only been diagnosed with acute fatal anorexia but also with BDD, Body Dysmorphia Disorder. This was where instead of seeing myself of how I was, a bitter mouthed, malnourished skeletal acute anorexic; I saw myself as a grotesque hideous oversized obese blubber pig, as big as a house. I had seen myself like this for over a decade, from around the age of eleven. When people would try reason and tell me that what I saw was a hallucination, or that I was selfish and destructive. Of course, most would say that I was mentally ill and needed psychotherapy as well as psychiatric medication, of which I had been a reluctant manipulative participant to both.

As I began to try reason of why that when I stood in front of that hospital mirror, the truth came crashing down to me, whereas, for over a decade, I had always seen the truth as a lie and the lie as the truth. I asked Lord God, how and why did this sudden realization of truth happen to me? The answer became clear when the Holy Spirit answered by asking me what had happened to me before I woke up in the hospital. I had been dead on arrival (DOA) at our local hospital from suicide. Jesus, together with the loving gentle voice holding me [now I know to be the Holy Spirit] came and rescued me from out of this pit of hell. I did not fully understand, however, I instantly knew that I had been saved by Him and given a completely new life.

I had literally undergone a 180˚ turn around within. I went from being an embittered hate evil conscious state person to being a completely Jesus filled, God-conscious state person. I became aware of this during my time of being in a comatose state. I had done absolutely nothing to bring this turnaround. All I had done was cry out, J-E-S-U-S. I literally looked at the world, at everything with new eyes; a new mind. I went from being a stubborn, rebellious, destructive me-I hate myself person, to be a totally Lord God-dependent daughter. It was with this new child-like attitude and dependency on Him that I had taken my first steps out of my hospital room and I went and stood in front of the mirror as my doctor had instructed.

For the first time, I had looked in the mirror with Jesus as Lord of my heart. It was because of this, that the truth bolted right through all the years and years of lies that I had lived in. Instead, I looked with the truth of Jesus and was able to see myself as I really was. This truth of what I saw, shocked me and sent me my mind reeling with multitudes of questions. However, even though I saw that I stood guilty of slowly killing myself all the years since the age of ten; there was no condemnation or self-hate with a desire to inflict abuse, hurt and pain on myself as had been my usual activities. Instead, I cried out in repentance and I immediately wanted Jesus to help me. I immediately took responsibility within, there in front of the mirror and submitted to whatever would be required of me to get healed, strong and healthy.

O yes, there is no denying that I was nervous about what would be required of me to do but I was already fully willing to commit with my doctor, Dr. Johannes, and do whatever he instructed of me. Yes, and there were times I missed the mark [by far sometimes], but never ever did my heart and mind turn back to that lie. I had gone from listening to the father of lies to listening and working with the Father of Truth through Jesus. On doing this, He flooded me with His Grace which gave me the strength and boldness to receive and acknowledge and take responsibility for the truth. The Truth had really set me free. I walked away from that hospital hall mirror, a brand-new person. It was my first time of freedom.

And now, over three decades have passed, I have never ever looked back. The Truth is essential for us to live the absolute abundant life that our Lord Jesus came to earth for. His death was so that you and I could walk in His Truth of Glory and empowering Grace.

Let’s Pray:

O Lord Jesus, by Your Holy Spirit

Thank You that You are God of Truth and Grace

I ask that You bless the precious person, sons, and daughters reading this.

Open their heart, their eyes to any lies that the father of lies, the devil,

Has deposited and chained up their soul and their very everyday life.

Instead, may Your Truth over this lie/ these lies, breakthrough their soul and flood in their understanding, like lightning,

Causing the lie/lies to be arrested and shatter into a million pieces, never to be put together ever again

May Your Grace and Mercy embrace them with Your strength as You fill them with Your Love and Peace

Giving them the boldness and sound mind to see the lie for what it is and acknowledge that they have believed a lie

May they repent of this acknowledge lie and do a 180˚ turn away from this lie, with their whole heart and mind and soul

May Your Truth our Lord God, break them Free and bring to them a whole new abundant life-changing shift

Renewing their mind by Your Truth, giving them a newfound boldness of faith and hope and peace

Towards their new Life of freedom from an overcoming victory

In Your Name Jesus, I pray


Bible verses to refer to the Let’s Discuss:

John 1:14 (NIV)

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of Grace and Truth.

John 8:31-32 (NIV)

31 To the Jews who had believed Him, Jesus said, “If you hold to My teaching, you are really My disciples.                      32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:44 (NIV)

44 You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.